Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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