So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
