omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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