But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
