someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
