im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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