apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
