U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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