Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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