i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
