She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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