I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
