Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
