U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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