I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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