We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
