It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Two words: blizzard sex
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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