when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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