I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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