ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
So squirting runs in the family.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We left the knife in your bed.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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