gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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