I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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