Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol