The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
