I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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