I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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