My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
