That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Someone came in the potted fern
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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