did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
