I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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