Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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