somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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