I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
