my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
