I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
