the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
