sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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