All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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