I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
