the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
