I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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