I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
