So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
