Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
