I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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