I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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