Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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