just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize