It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
