i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
