I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
