hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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