It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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