Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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