You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
