Will you blow on my dice?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
