i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i just had sex bonerless
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
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