Christians are straight up FREAKS
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
