Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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