Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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